Life requires a lot of decision making. And I think I’m very bad at making decisions.
Especially if the stakes are high and the decision can be life changing, or it affects others.
I realised when I need to make those decisions, I will need a lot of time to ponder about it. If an immediate decision is needed, I will flounder. Instead of focusing on the concrete points on the pros and cons of the decisions, my mind will go blank and inconsequential thoughts will start to swim aimlessly around the pool in my brain.
It will go in circles, those thoughts. I will try to splash around, thinking of a decision which will lead to an outcome that I really want. Only that most of the time, I have no idea of what I really want. I will gnaw on a focal point of the issue like a dog stubbornly hanging on a marrowed bone, seemingly oblivious of the whole picture. A case not unlike performance anxiety. And most of the time, I will end up not being satisfied with the choices I made.
If the dateline of the decision is far off, I will take my own sweet time and procrastinate. Delay when possible. Dilly-dally. Buy time to avoid making the decision until the train is just within a whisker from me. Until its the time to jump aside or faced the prospect of being smashed into smithereens. This usually happens when I know people will get hurt or unfavourably affected due to my decisions somehow. I always pacify myself, telling myself that I did this because time is needed to make a decision that is perfect, or nearly so.
But perhaps I am just a coward, afraid to face the responsibility and consequence of my decision, trying to avoid failure all the time and devoid of the courage to stand tall and be counted when it really matters.
Whatever it may be, I accept this weakness of mine and I think now is the time to face and slay the demon. I must learn and try to make effective and fast decisions. No procrastination. Hiding and running away should stop at once. Its time to learn to cope and be responsible.
Why am I writing this? To keep this as evidence that I had told myself this and threw myself this challenge. To perhaps one day when I revisited this blog, I can say proudly that I am now not what I used to be. To say that I had successfully slayed the big red ugly demon inside me.