Saturday, July 22, 2006

A lack of self confidence

My self confidence is pretty low now. Dont know how it managed to reach such a low level. It's nearing the nadir... What happened?!?

Been pondering about it for the last two weeks and one of the hypothesis I came up with is that I had not tasted success for quite a while. People say success breeds confidence and I believe it is true. When you succeed in something, for example winning a competition or scoring excellent marks in exams, you feel confident and happy. You feel that nothing is difficult and all the people in the world are your friends. Seems that I haven't sampled the feeling for a long time. Suddenly I realised that everything I touched these two years more or less turned to dust. Everything practically failed or dipped below my expectations.

Perhaps after all the successes in secondary school, I set my sights too high. As a result, I did not achieve my target all the time, making me feeling rather a failure. For example, a lot of people commented that I whined too much about my results, which in their opinion are prefectly good whereas I felt that the results are totally rotten. How can 3HDs suffice when you set your mind on 5HDs? In retrospect I think the results are actually good, considering the fact that I was suffering from World Cup fever then. However, the initial damage is already done, and I felt being such a failure. And failure is just like a cancer eating into your healthy confidence cells one by one, mutilating them, chewing, gnawing, tearing them to pieces stealthily till one day much too late that you found out too late to you utter horror that you are suffering from this cancer. Suddenly, one day, you feel no confidence at all. No aura, no spring in your steps, no life, no spirit in you. Zero. Naught. Nothing. Zilch.

Been combing the internet looking for clues on how to rebuild my shattered confidence. I really need to pick up the pieces and start anew. The ship is aready sinking and if I don't patch up the hole in time, it will be in the bottom of the sea swimming with the fishes soon. Perhaps I need to trust myself more, and believe in my abilities. Perhaps I need to lower my sight and not look at mysef as 'the gifted one'. Perhaps I need to start believing that I am not perfect at all. I am seriously in need of that something, or someone out there to unlock the keys of my lost confidence, and I need to begin my search for it now.

But the way, if you are wondering how does a low confidence person feels, imagine yourself being cast under a spell:
"Adabra kadabra! You are now under Murphy's Law for the rest of your life: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong! Hahahahaha"
_ _ _ _ . . . . _ _ _ _

P/s: I wrote this post because I promised to post something up by today. However I apologized if I let you down in terms of expectations: instead of reading something interesting, you end up reading my inner turmoil and rantings. Well, in retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't apologize coz that's what a blog for rite? To let the world know how u feel?


youngyew said...

I believe that having spectacular results is only a very small part of achievements you can attain in life... It's like, how many people can be looked up as the most amiable, friendly and helpful people around? There's not many, and you are certainly one of the gems over. And again, this is only yet another small aspect of success, there are so many other things you can achieve out there.

I hope that you can have a "reparo" on your confidence! You certainly can do it. :)

Anonymous said...

Success is getting what you want , but happiness is liking what you have .

You may not have achieved what you've aimed for but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel happy . Try to appreciate what you've already have and be thankful that you've achieved so much this far .

Failure is not a failure unless you've learnt nothing out of it .